


Isn't It Delicate?

by soul_writerr



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Episode Related, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Episode: s19e13 The Undiscovered Country
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-24
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-08-28 17:44:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16728030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soul_writerr/pseuds/soul_writerr
Summary: Rafael kept his eyes closed for a moment, thinking about how this morning had been so normal. When he left Sonny’s apartment early after spending the night with him, he didn’t imagine he’d end up here. Sonny would probably have to spend his weekend in church, asking God’s forgiveness for sleeping with a murderer.Inspired by Taylor Swift's "Delicate".





	Isn't It Delicate?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure what this is. I wrote it a few months ago when I couldn't stop listening to this song. It's generally set between Rafael knowing he's going to trial and the trial itself. 
> 
> Enjoy!

 

__ This ain’t for the best  
_ My reputation’s never been worse  
_ __ So you must like me for me

The raging thunderstorm outside seemed incredibly appropriate. He scoffed.  _ How poetic.  _

His office was completely dark, save for the dim street lights and occasional strike of lightning that came through the window. He could see his phone light up in the darkness, across the room, forgotten on his round conference table, next to his jacket and vest. He didn’t bother to get it. 

He had reclined his chair as far as it would go, letting his head fall in the headrest, looking up to the ceiling with teary eyes.  _ Stupid _ . He’d been fighting tears all night. He never let people see him like this; doubtful, nervous, scared. Heartbroken. The person sitting in his office right now wouldn’t be worthy of his time back when he started. 

Rafael Barba was different back then. He used to be tougher, promising, successful, someone the DA’s office was proud of. Now he was a shadow. He was gone. He lost everything. And everyone. 

He had turned his back on Olivia so fast he almost got whiplash. And Sonny… Oh, Sonny. 

Rafael blinked slowly, trying to keep his tears from spilling. He couldn’t talk to Sonny. He would have to leave without saying goodbye. Whatever they had, their unspoken truth, over. He wished he could be the one to tell Sonny what he did, to watch his eyes look at him in disappointment. 

He kept his eyes closed for a moment, thinking about how this morning had been so normal. When he left Sonny’s apartment early after spending the night with him, he didn’t imagine he’d end up here. Sonny would probably have to spend his weekend in church, asking God’s forgiveness for sleeping with a murderer. 

At that, his eyes filled with tears again. He stood by his beliefs. He stood by that mother. He stood by that baby. And everything else came crashing down on him.

When morning came, he would have to vacate his office. SVU would get another ADA. Sonny would never look him in the eye again. And it hurt. Because Rafael finally felt like he found his place. He was so cold and empty when he joined the squad, but they reminded him he had a heart. 

And now it was breaking. And it hurt like nothing he ever felt before. 

Rafael let the dark slowly consume him, listening to the hammering sound of the rain outside. When another lightning stroke, bathing his office in silver light, the door opened. 

He didn’t turn to look at who had just walked into his office; he knew. Part of him expected and wanted this, but the other part screamed at him that this wasn’t for the best. “You shouldn’t be here,” he said, still looking at the ceiling.

“I waited long enough,” Sonny replied, slightly out breath. “It’s 3am, Rafael. I’ve been in your apartment the whole night. We need to talk about this.”

“We’re not talking about anything,” Rafael looked at him then, his expression hard and cutting. “You need to leave. Immediately.”

“And go where?,” he asked brokenly, stepping closer. 

“No one can see you here. They can’t know-”

“They can’t know what, Rafael? That we’re dating? I think it’s too late for that,” he scoffed. “Do you want to tell me the real reason? Because after all this time you can’t still be ashamed of us."

“Ashamed?,” Rafael sat up, turning his chair towards Sonny. “You don’t get it? Sonny, my reputation is up in flames. If anything,  _ you  _ should be ashamed. Because now, if you ever decide to be a lawyer, they might hold  _ this _ ,” he made a gesture between the two of them. “against you. So go! Do yourself a favor and pretend it never happened.” 

Sonny’s breath hitched. He looked at Rafael with disbelief and hurt in his eyes. Rafael turned away completely, the sting of tears mocking him. “Sonny, go,” he said, his voice breaking at the end. “It’s over.”

“No,” he heard Sonny said and hurried steps came to him. Suddenly, Sonny was on his knees right in front of Rafael, looking up at him with big, bright, hopeful eyes. “We’re going to fight this. I know it’s a delicate situation-”

“Delicate?,” Rafael laughed sarcastically. “Are you insane?! This is a disaster. And I’m not fighting it. I’ll be out of here when the sun comes up and I’m never-”

“Don’t,” Sonny begged, grabbing at his knees. “Please. Rafael. Listen to me. We can fix this. Liv said she would help. We can ask the mother-”

“I’m not putting that woman through anything else, Sonny,” he took Sonny’s hand and brought them close to his face, kissing his palms softly. “I appreciate you so much. And that’s why I can’t do this to you. I know this goes against your beliefs and you can’t turn your back on that.”

“Rafael,” he took advantage of his proximity to take Rafael’s face in his hands, coming closer and forcing Rafael to spread his legs to accommodate Sonny between his knees. “I’m not letting you go without a fight. That’s what I believe in. Fighting. And I believe that when  _ you _ fight, no one else stands a chance.  _ Please _ , fight this.”

“I can’t,” he sobbed. Sonny looked so innocent, so open and honest, his eyes were wide and his hair was slightly damp from the rain. He was beautiful. “I can’t do this anymore.”

While helping him find his heart, SVU had broken him. There were no political games, no hidden agendas, no rules to break. That Rafael Barba was gone. He would never be a DA, or even an EADA. He couldn’t take those roles anymore, he could never be unbiased. 

“Then run away with me,” Sonny said, his thumbs brushing off Rafael’s tears.

“What?,” he chuckled wetly. 

“Let’s go somewhere else. Somewhere we can be us with no precedents.”

“Why are you saying this? You’re not leaving SVU,” Rafael shook his head and frowned. 

He kissed Rafael’s cheek sweetly and whispered, “Because I can’t lose you. Please, don’t leave me.”

Rafael felt his heart constricting in his chest. “I can’t make you any promises, Sonny. Worst case scenario, they could arrest me.”

“They’re not going to arrest you, Rafael,” he sighed. Sonny let go of his face and grabbed his hands again. He bent his head down and started praying. 

Rafael almost felt ashamed. What could Sonny possibly pray for? The baby’s soul? Rafael’s? He was damned anyway. There was no point. But he let Sonny go for it. It gave him a moment of quiet to take a deep breath, try to steady himself and stop more tears from falling.

When Sonny looked up again, he was the one crying. Even in the dark, Rafael could see shiny tears running down his face. His blue eyes, so clear, reflected Rafael’s own fear of what could happen to them.

“Sonny,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry.” 

Sonny sobbed then, a strangled noise coming from deep in his throat. If Rafael was stable enough, he would have pulled Sonny into his lap, soothed him, breathed him in. But he wasn’t, so he took Sonny’s chin in his hand and kissed him. It was a small kiss, almost shy, as if Rafael was afraid Sonny would crack open right in front of him. 

“Don’t go,” he begged when Rafael leaned into his chair again. “Rafael. We can fix this.”

Sonny stood up and made his way to Rafael’s liquor cabinet. Rafael watched Sonny’s shaky hands as he tried not to spill any of his favorite scotch while pouring him a glass in the dark. “We can’t fix this, Sonny. I killed a baby."

“Don’t say that,” he grunted. “You know it’s more complicated than that. And you’ve always liked to work complicated cases.”

“So first you ask me to run away with you, now you want me to work the case?,” Rafael felt exhausted. 

“I’m trying to find a solution-”

“There’s none. Sonny. Stop,” he stood up and approached the man, removing the glass and bottle from his hands. “Look at me.” 

Sonny did, and Rafael was sure he was about to start to sobbing again. “I’m so sorry, Sonny. Please, forgive me. It’s a mess. There’s no simple solution for this and I’m  _ so _ sorry that you might be dragged into it. But I’m not going back to SVU.”

“Listen, I-,” he started, his shoulders shaking slightly as he held back tears. “If you must leave the unit, I-I’ll respect your decision, but please don’t walk away from us. I don’t care how this could affect me, I was never cut out to be an ADA anyway. And I don’t want to-,” Rafael scoffed at that. “I’m serious! Please, Rafael. I don’t care about your reputation because I  _ know  _ you. And I… I  _ like  _ you.”

Rafael titled his head slightly at Sonny’s words. His voice sounded so genuine Rafael could feel himself  _ hoping  _ for a happy ending. Or the closest thing to it. 

“A reputation is something built from rumours, from assumptions, gossip,” Sonny made a dismissive gesture with his hand. “And I know this is a delicate situation, and your reputation might take a hit, but that doesn’t change my opinion of you. It doesn’t change anything that happened between us, Rafael.”

“So what do we do, then?,” he asked. 

“I don’t know,” he took a step closer. Slowly, Sonny’s hands came up to rest on his hips, almost as if he expected Rafael to tell him to stop. “I still think you should fight this, but that’s your choice. So let’s go home, have some sleep, and when we wake up, we’ll deal with whatever happens. One step at a time. But I’m not leaving, Rafael. I’m not going anywhere. Please. Let's go home.”

_ Home.  _ They could go home and pretend like everything wasn’t about to come crashing down on them soon. That didn’t sound half bad. “Are you sure about this?,” Rafael asked, holding on to Sonny’s upper arms. 

“I am,” he smiled. 

“Okay,” Rafael nodded. “Let’s go home.”

**Author's Note:**

> In case you didn't know, Delicate is the ultimate Barisi song, so I'd strongly suggest you listen to it. And let me know if you like this! <3 Comments and kudos keep me going!


End file.
